Bangkok Guru

I’m not sure if I’ve told you this but I’ve been working secretly as a chief personal adviser to former Thailand PM Thaksin who is now on the run. Below is a private conversation I had with him over google talk last night after he fucked off back to England following his wife Pojaman’s surprise tax fraud conviction and his failure to appear before the supreme court in Bangkok for fear of getting banged up for life.

Me: Hello mate, how’s it going? I’ve been trying to reach you.

Thaksin: Hmm, not too well if I must be frank. It all happended so quick and I can’t believe I’m now back in this shitehole again.

Me: Mate you shouldn’t have skipped bail without informing the Thai supreme court like that. They must have been well pissed off.

Thaksin: Yeah mate but you should know that I can’t really have a fair trail in Thailand cos all the corruption charges against me are politically motivated innit.

Me: Then why did you return to Thailand earlier this year then?

Thaksin: Well, that’s what I thought. Last year, I had given my mates shit loads of money to form and fund the PPP so they would win the election through vote-buying which they did and I could safely return home.

Me: OK, so you’d had all the necessary arrangements made then?

Thaksin: Yeah man, my PA had a word with all the big people including a couple of judges who promised to give me an unusually generous trial. I really thought I had things sorted out beforehand with my proxy serving as PM, many of my mates all in goverment, and some high profile judges given as much money as they wanted.

Me: What went wrong then?

Thaksin: Don’t know mate. I still have no idea how and why things have gone so pear-shaped.

Me: What’s the plan now then? You think you can seek political asylum in England?

Thaksin: Honestly mate, it’s really tricky cos I’ve just realised that Thailand does in fact have an extradition agreement with the UK and the Thai government is also internationally recognised so if the authorities do apply to have me extradited, I’m probably fucked.

Me: What about your football club Man City?

Thaksin: Fuck that mate, I’ll just sell all the players and put the club up for sale too. Those bastards in Thailand have nicked all my money so I need to raise some quick cash now innit.

Me: Understood. I can even feel the pinch myself if you know what I mean.

Thaksin: Arrgggh, I know I’ve done some serious crime in the past but I really don’t want to do the time mate.

Me: Well, that’s life innit. You can neither have everything your own way nor please everybody. But don’t worry mate, if you do end up in jail, I’ll bring you many porn mags so you don’t get too bored in there.

Thaksin: Thanks man, you’re a good mate. I promise when I’ve finished the sentence, however long it might be, I’ll treat you to the best, most expensive massage parlour in Bangkok.

Me: Cheers mate, perfect timing because by then I’ll probably be too bloody old, bald and fat to pull a bird by myself.

Thaksin: OK mate, gotta run. Lots of shit to do today. Bye.

Me: Later!

* I don’t want to draw unnecessary attention to this post and cause my client further trouble because as you know he’s already in deep shit so please, please only keep this to yourselves. Thanks! *